Explaining Pet Loss to Children: Six Do’s and Don’ts
Be open and honest. This includes the pet's health and euthanasia. "If a pet is terminally ill and needs to be euthanized," Tously says, "the child needs to be told as soon as possible by the parent." Again, avoid those tempting euphemisms that cloud understanding, such as telling a child the pet was put to sleep. Use the words death and dying to make your meaning clear.
Do's and Don'ts
Tously explains that the worst course of action is to lie (to say the animal went away) or to use confusing euphemisms, such as the phrase "put to sleep." Children will eventually learn the truth, and lying can breed resentment and destroy trust between parent and child. "Later in life, when the child learns the truth, they'll wonder what else the parent lied about," she says.
Likewise, euphemisms can cause anxiety or confusion because children take what you say literally. "If you say a pet is put to sleep, the child may suffer sleep anxiety," says Tously. She recalls one child who was told his cocker spaniel just "went away." He awaited his dog's return, and upon learning the dog had been buried wanted to unearth the dog. "If you say 'God has taken your pet because he was special,' the child may resent God, and fear who might be next."
Some children want to be present during euthanasia and most will be very curious about the process. Tously says you should answer their questions. As for allowing the child to be present, some veterinarians are firmly against it; others say it depends on the child's age and maturity.
Make sure the child understands what "dying" means. Explain that the animal's body stopped working. Depending on your religious beliefs and what the child can understand, you might explain the concept of a soul. However, it is important for the child to know that the pet has died and will not be coming back.
Be available to let your child discuss his/her feelings about what happened. You may want to hold your own service to memorialize the pet and to say goodbye formally. Some people plant trees in a special spot in the yard, others bury the pet in a cemetery so the family can visit. Encourage your child to show his/her feelings by talking or writing about the fun times they had with their pet.
Show your own feelings. This tells the child that the pet was special and that they are not grieving alone. You can also encourage your child to open up, which can help the healing process.
Tell your child's teachers about the loss, so they will understand why your child is behaving differently.
Don't blame the veterinarian. Some parents, especially those who fear explaining euthanasia to their children, find it easier to lay it all on the vet. This is not only unfair to the veterinarian, but potentially harmful to the child. He or she may grow up distrusting veterinarians and, by extension, doctors and other medical professionals.
In addition, parents shouldn't throw the responsibility of telling the children what needs to be done on the veterinarian. Your veterinarian can help the parent explain why euthanasia may be the most humane option, and answer questions the child may have.
Parents often want to ease their child's hurt by rushing out and buying another pet. Tously says this is a mistake. "The last thing you want to do is convey the impression that the pet – a family member – is replaceable," she says. Wait until the child expresses an interest in another pet.
Children are very resilient, and they usually learn to accept their pet is gone. If a child persists with nightmares or seems unable to cope, however, it may be necessary to talk with a counselor.
Where to Turn for Help
Local shelters often hold workshops and support groups to help people after pet loss. Contact your local shelter for information. There are also a number of organizations dedicated to helping people cope around the country. To find one in your state, visit the Delta Society Web page at www.deltasociety.org/dsn701.htm