Your 7 News Years Resolutions, as Written by Your Cat
Dear Person Who Feeds Me,
It’s me, your cat. I usually come bearing gifts in the form of rodent carcasses, but today I’m dishing out advice instead.
Don’t let my independent nature deceive you – I care about you and your well-being. I value our time spent together…so long as you respect my need for alone time. And when you feed me promptly, you’re the cat’s meow.
Anyway, my curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to inject myself into your personal business. You’ve figured out how to live the first of your nine lives fairly well, but sometimes you just need a quick paw to the face to motivate your quest for personal betterment. And that’s where I come in.
The beckoning of a new year is the perfect time to evaluate where you induce meowing and where you force me to turn up my nose. Here are my New Year’s resolutions for you.
1. Learn to Relax
As a certified sleep expert, I’m willing to impart my wisdom on you. Sometimes you seem too uptight. I’m sure you have a lot of important stuff to do, but you should learn to take more breaks and master the art of an afternoon catnap. You’ll feel rejuvenated and be less of a grumpy cat.
2. Be Spontaneous
Maybe you don’t need to zoom around the room at midnight like me, but a willingness to impulsively try something new might be good for you. At the risk of sounding sassy, sometimes you seem boring to me. And speaking of spontaneity, I’d appreciate having the opportunity to venture outside when the mood strikes me.
3. Practice Better Hygiene
This is one area where I definitely have you beat and, frankly, you could use some improvement. If you devoted even a fraction of the time I spend to cleaning and grooming, we’d both be better off. You make sure you’re taking care of yourself, and I’ll keep bathing hourly.
4. Get Organized
Whether I remember to say so or not, I always appreciate when you clean my litter box and tidy up the toys I’ve flung everywhere. I’ll do my part by gathering the varmints hiding in the attic. And if you finish your litter box chores in a timely manner, perhaps you’ll even have an opportunity to declutter your medicine cabinet or basement storage room.
5. Stretch More!
Call me overly critical, but your stretching routine is inadequate. Without proper stretching, you won’t be able to spring into action should a hunting opportunity present itself. You can observe me if you need tips for how to successfully elongate your body or extend your paws into the air. Even if you aren’t the hunting type, better flexibility increases blood flow to muscles and reduces the risk of injury.
6. Try Something New
One time I doubted I could complete a long leap, then I tried it and surprised myself. Now I jump from the floor to the kitchen counter with relative ease all the time. Don’t be afraid to experience something outside your comfort zone. The opportunity for an exciting adventure awaits you. You simply need to seek it, and not be afraid to fall along the way.
7. Wake Up Early
Weekends are precious. When Saturday and Sunday roll around, you should wake up early and maximize your time. Make the most of your day…just make sure you feed me first. But don’t worry – I won’t let you forget. In fact, I’ll probably help you wake up as the sun rises, ensuring you get a nice and early start to your days.