What’s Bugging the Osbournes’ Pets?

If you 're one of the millions of viewers who tune into MTV's The Osbournes, you'd better make sure your dog isn't watching the hit series. He might get the wrong idea.

Every Tuesday night, viewers watch as the Osbournes' slew of pets run rampant through the house, with Ozzy yelling expletives at them impotently. Ozzy Osbourne may be the Prince of Darkness, but he's not King of his Castle.

Below is a list of some of the problems that appear to afflict the Osbourne pets, with links to articles to help diagnose and treat these problems in your own pets, as well as links to the particular breed.

• Minnie (Pomeranian): By nature, Pomeranians are very lively and make good watchdogs. Minnie lives up to these characteristics and more – she's overly protective of Ozzy's wife Sharon and thinks she runs the place. The dog's pampered lifestyle and free run of the house probably contributes to her dominance issues.
• Pipi (Pomeranian): His name says it all. Pipi is famous for frequently and copiously urinating on expensive rugs. The veterinary term is inappropriate urination. Pipi may be signaling that he's staked out his territory.
• Lola (English bulldog): Bulldogs, as a breed, can be stubborn, but Lola has a whole other set of issues. Inappropriate elimination, chronic vomiting and destructive behavior are just some of Lola's charming habits. The dog may need both veterinary and psychological help.
• Maggie (Japanese chin): Maggie doesn't seem to suffer from many issues, but that could change if she doesn't receive enough attention and love. Ignoring a dog can cause problems down the road, such as separation anxiety.
• Crazy Baby (Japanese chin): Japanese chins are descended from royalty. They were given as a present from the Emperor of China to the Emperor of Japan centuries ago. With such a noble lineage, perhaps the Osbournes should find a better name for this toy dog.
• Lulu (Chihuahua): Lulu's problem is she's overweight – no laughing matter for a small dog like the Chihuahua. Obesity is a dangerous condition for any pet and can lead to diabetes, heart problems and even depression, just to name a few of the risks.
• Martini (Chihuahua): The household's second Chihuahua, Martini seems to exhibit sexual dominance. He has a tendency to mount other dogs, including males. It isn't clear if Martini is neutered, but that doesn't always solve the problem. Dogs sometimes use sexual behavior to signal their dominance over another member of the pack.
• Puss: The only cat in the house, Puss is the cleanest of the bunch. However, the cat suffers from herpesvirus, which in cats is an infection of the upper respiratory system. The infection is very contagious to other cats (but not to humans) and causes sneezing, watery eyes, and sometimes fever and sinus congestion. It can lead to life-threatening complications like pneumonia.

Ozzy complains of living in a zoo, but most of the family's problems could have been avoided. It goes without saying that, in the real world, screaming at pets doesn't accomplish anything. In the world of the Osbournes, though, it apparently does help their Nielson ratings.