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Know any funny dog jokes? We thought this would be fun so we asked our Petplace.com dog lovers to send us their favorites. Here they are! We hope you enjoy them.
It’s A Song Really
Well this isn’t as much a joke as it is a song…I kinda made it up when I was cleaning and listening to music one day with the dogs, lol. Anyway, I have bulldogs, and this was about our “Jake” who has since passed away, but you can really use and other bulldog‘s name. It is “Chantilly Lace” with a few word exchanges 🙂 And here it goes….. Chantilly Jake with an ugly face, crooked tail hanging down, with a wiggle when he walks and a snortin’ when he talks, makes the world go round round round…….well there’s nothing in the world like a big head dog, make you act so funny, make you spend your money, make your skin hang loose like a long neck moose, oh baby that’s a what i like……….hehe – Cynthia Keagy
What Do You Call Frozen Dog Poop?
What do dogs call frozen poop? ~Poopsicles~ Joan
A Dog at the Movies
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don’t you find that unusual?” “Yes,” she replied. “I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!” – Anne
Two fleas were going on a date. Him to her: Wanta’ walk or take a dog?
Three Legged Dog
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west. He sidles up to the bar an announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”!
How Do You Find a Unique Puppy?
How do you find a Unique Puppy? Answer: You Neak up on it. – Darbie
A burglar is robbing a house when all of a sudden a voice comes out of the darkness [Jesus is watching]. Startled the burglar shines his flashlight around the room. He see’s a parrot sitting on a perch and walks over to it. The parrot repeats [Jesus is watching] the burglar replies “Polly want a cracker”, the parrot says “my name isn,t Polly… it’s Moses” The burglar says “what kind of a moron names a parrot Moses”. The parrot replies “the same moron that named the Rottweiler Jesus.” – Ben
Where Do You Find a One Legged Dog?
Where do you find a one legged dog? Right where you left it. Cheers Barb
What Does an Insomniac, Dyslexic Agnostic Do?
What does an insomniac, dyslexic agnostic do?
Answer: Stays up all night wondering if there is a dog! from Mary Li Hsu, Bronx, NY
How’s Your Dog?
Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said “Hello Doris, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike.” “oh” said Mrs Green “That cant have been my dog” “oh, why not?” replied her neighbor “I’m pretty sure it was her” “well” stated Mrs. Green grinning “my dog doesn’t ride a bike” – Hannah Glover
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. As he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.” After nearly jumping out of his skin, the thief clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I am just trying to warn you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me huh? Who the hell are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?” The bird promptly answered, “Probably the same kind of people that would name a German Shepherd Jesus…” – Elyse Bonar
My Trip to Target
Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s bottom and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Target won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. – Marlyss Thiel
A New Pet
this one wasn’t about dogs but we thought it was cute….
The guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?” A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”
Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says, “Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies, “No thanks – I’m just looking around.”
OTHER ANIMAL JOKES
Question: Why did the ram run off the cliff?
Answer: He didn’t see the ewe turn
Question: Why didn’t the ewe get pregnant?
Answer: She was under the wether
Question: Why don’t they let elephants on the beach?
Answer: They always have their trunks down
Question: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Answer: “Dam” What is a Zebra? 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra
Question: What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Answer: the taste.
Question : Where to you find a no legged dog?
Answer: right where you left him
Question: Where do you get virgin wool?
Answer: ugly sheep
Question: Where do you get dragon milk?
Answer: short legged cows
Question: What do you call a dog with no legs?
Answer: you can call him anything you want, he ain’t gonna’ come
Question: What do you call a cow with no legs?
Answer: ground beef
Question: What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Answer: lean beef
Question: What goes clop, clop, clop, Bang, Bang, clop, clop, clop, clop?
Answer: an Amish drive-by shooting
Question: Why don’t blind people sky dive?
Answer: it scares the dog
Question: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie
Answer: A dog that rips your leg off then goes for help
Question: How do you circumsise a whale?
Answer: Send down foreskin divers
Question: What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line?
Answer: I’m the Weiner!
Question: What’s the difference between an Italian grandmother and an elephant?
Answer: The black dress.
Question: Why do cows wear bells?
Answer: Their horns don’t work
Question: What do termites eat for breakfast?
Answer: Oak meal.
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